YOUR BOUNDARIES
Chapter 1
Why Boundaries in Dating?
So what do I do, set a bomb underneath his chair' Heather
exploded, only partly in jest. She was having lunch with her
best friend, Julie. The conversation focused on her ongoing frustration
with Todd, Heather's boyfriend for the past year. Heather
cared deeply for him and was ready to pursue marriage. Though
he was loving, responsible, and fun, Todd had shown no sign
of making any real commitment to the relationship. The couple
enjoyed being together, yet anytime Heather tried to talk about
getting serious, Todd would make a joke or skate around the
issue. At thirty-three, Todd valued his freedom and saw no reason
for anything in his life to change.
Heather's outburst was a response to something Julie had said:
'You really need to help Todd get moving forward.? Heather's
words were tinted with frustration, hurt, and a good deal of
discouragement. Frustration because she and Todd seemed to
be on different tracks. Hurt because her love felt unrequited.
And discouraged because she had invested so much of her heart,
time, and energy into the relationship. For the past year, Heather
had made Todd a high emotional priority in her life. Shehad
given up activities she enjoyed; she had given up relationships
she valued. She had tried to become the kind of person she
thought Todd would be attracted to. And now it looked like
this investment was going nowhere.
No Kids Allowed
Welcome to dating. If you have been in this unique type of
relationship, you are probably familiar with Heather and Todd's
scenario. Two people are genuinely attracted to each other and
start going out. They are hopeful that the relationship will
become something special that will lead to marriage and a lifelong
soul mate. Things look good for a while, but somehow something
breaks down between them, causing heartache, frustration,
and loneliness. And, more often than not, the scenario repeats
itself in other relationships down the line.
Some people blame dating itself for all of this, thinking that it's
not a healthy activity. They would rather find an alternative, such
as group friendships until two people have selected each other
to court exclusively. Though dating has its difficulties, we would
not take this view. We believe in dating. We did it a lot personally,
having been single a combined total of seventy-five years. And
we think it offers lots of good things, such as opportunities to grow
personally and learn how to relate to people, for starters.
However, dating does have its risks. Th